I had a birthday and could not imagine feeling so filled with joy. Another baby on its way- born at the cusp of spring and summer, conceived so beautifully and intentionally.
Every day I found feathers at my feet, guiding me, ushering me forward into a journey of significance and support.
The fruit I picked was fused together, the eggs I cracked had double yolks.
My legs ached, my belly felt swollen and heavy, I was tired and feeling the urge to turn within, to figure out this next chapter of my life- to prepare for everything to change.
Some things were super clear- I was ready to let a lot go. I wanted to set myself up differently this time- to sink into this experience and be present in a way I hadn’t before.
A few days later I felt a gush. I rushed to the bathroom and found dark blood. Maybe late implantation bleeding?
As the day continued, the gush turned into cramps and bright red, copious blood. Over the next day, heavy cramps and clots.
I felt dizzy. And waves of grief. And almost like I wanted to punish myself.
I hadn’t realized how much I was holding in my womb.
This work, I am tied energetically to the wombs I am invited to care for. I feel the emotions with each family- I am invested in the journeys we are all on.
I hadn’t realized how much of this energy I had taken on.
I thought of all of the women I had walked with through this experience. What was it I had told them?
I thought of all of the healthy pregnancies I had witnessed recently, why did it go so smoothly for them and not me?
Did I eat too much sugar? Was I too stressed out? Was it that cold the kids had brought home? The overnight births?
My husband didn’t seem to care as deeply. He almost seemed relieved. He said all of the right things, but it didn’t really seem like he understood.
My kids were having tantrums, I was still wiping their bums, maybe I was crazy for wanting to add more to this right now. Who was I to want more kids? Shouldn’t I be grateful and present with the ones I already have?
But what about all of those feathers? Truly, what was the lesson this experience was bringing me?
I cannot live my life on hold for others. Being on call, I’m constantly re-orienting my life for families and babies, but it’s pulling me too far away from my center right now.
I want to travel more. Again, being on call in a solo practice leaves little time for rest. Even if I take a month off, all sorts of needs arise for clients and I don’t yet have the capacity to let go and bring in another midwife.
Everything is happening in a divinely orchestrated order. remember? All of the miracles I have seen? All of the blessings that have been a part of my life?I can hold on to that frequency. I can let go.
I can let go.
I continued to change my pads, ate warming foods, sat on my vaginal steamer, diid a bunch of moxa and kept socks on my feet.
It’s so easy to make a plan. It’s so comfortable to expect something. But life is unpredictable. Womb work much the same. I “know” it- but here I have the opportunity to embody this.
So stop waiting and live it now.
Notice how beautiful those orange leaves are on the ground. How crisp and refreshing that breeze feels. Watch the sunrise from the back deck in my bare feet and savor this fleeting experience.
Kiss my babies and cherish them for exactly where they are. Wipe their bums with more patience and softness. Plan a trip. Take some time off call. Buy more liver pills.
I trust I will come to be more and more grateful for this experience. I do feel different. I am changed. Everything can change, again and again. My body knows how to take care of me and I am safe to listen to those needs.
I am so tired. So sad. But I will continue to walk this path.
May I keep my eyes open for the miracles already on their way.
I share this experience to offer affirmation, honoring and support to those who may find themselves bleeding unpredictably. This is the story of my second miscarriage.
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